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20130228
Search Results 0 to 49 of about 53 (some duplicates have been removed)
to hispanics. first step, learning to speak his-spanish. [ laughter ] then, can president obama get the support of gun owners? yes, after a four-year waiting period. [ laughter ] and my guest, justice sonia sotomayor, is the first hispanic on the supreme court. i will ask her questions in hiss-spanish. [ laughter ] fidel castro made his first public appearance in three years. then he saw his shadow, so fifty more years of communism. [cheers and applause] this is "the colbert report." [cheers and applause] ["the colbert report" theme music playing] captioning sponsored by comedy central [eagle caw] [cheers and applause] welcome. thank you so much, everybody. [crowd chanting stephen] thank you have much. please, sit down, nation. [cheers and applause] welcome -- welcome to the broadcast presented tonight with limited commercial interruptions. good to have you with us. folks, i'm still coming down from last night's superbowl rager. i had the whole wrecking crew over and they brought it. and by it, i mean a lovely spinach dip bread bowl, courtesy of lou dawg. [ laughter ] woof woof! the dog is loos
obama proved, it's that demographic shifts are making it harder for the gop to win nationally. apparently in 2012, minority voters just didn't connect with the republican message of "stop thief!" [laughter] the man behind obama's minority outreacharound was jeremy bird, [laughter] who focused on face-to-face communication with core obama support groups, nonwhites unmarried women, and millennials. because we know how much millennials love two face-to-face communication. [laughter] well, now bird has set his sights on a new target. >> team obama's former national field director jeremy bird, one of the masterminds behind the president's reelection victory has decided his next job will be turning texas blue with a new grassroots organization battleground texas. >> you're not considered one of the battleground states. although that's gon' be changing soon. >> stephen: yeah, that's 'gon' be changing even faster than obama's accent! [laughter] [cheers and applause] nation, this means the democrats are messing with texas! a, i believe that's unconstitutional, and b, i believe it might
-- thanks to obama's socialist policies-- the new york stock exchange bottomed out at less than 6500. but today-- no thanks to obama's socialist policies-- the dow is back! >> a history-making day on wall street. >> the dow industrials as well as the s&p 500 closed at their highest point in five years. the dow ended just under 14,036. >> stephen: 14,036. [cheers and applause] ladies and gentlemen, 14,036 do you units. downtons? i don't have to tell you what that means. do i? [laughter] i don't, good. and america has got a lot to show for all that dow-ing. >> one way to look at the stock market is as a giant, wealth-creation machine, and it has just created a lot of wealth. we are now officially at the country's all-time peak of millionaires and billionaires. >> stephen: yes, we are at peak billionaire. [laughter] partly due to tax policies that favor the billionaire super rich, and partly due to cloning themselves for spare parts. lax la. [laughter] and now that we ultra-loaded are so numerous again, i'm gonna give the moneyed masses the news they can use--- this is colbert platinum!
. [ laughter ] but folks, the other threat to america is president obama's recent 23-point executive order gun-control grab-orama. [ laughter ] this is a full-on assault on our right to full-on assault. that's why it's more important than ever to remember the gun rights advocate battle cry. >> from my cold dead hands! [cheers and applause] >> stephen: fun fact: that was his audition for "when harry met sally." [ laughter ] yet they gave the part to meg ryan. tough being a conservative in hollywood. [ laughter ] but this tyranny will not stand, man. true defenders of the constitution are fighting back. bills have been proposed in all these states that would "make it illegal to enforce any of the new federal gun control measures." that's right. that means if an agent of the federal government tries to take your high capacity magazine, just call 9-1-1 and say "police! come quick! someone's trying to enforce the law." [ laughter ] then they'll send in a swat team to shoot themselves. [ laughter ] because these states know that -- these states that aren't up here right now. you know which ones they
know what is going on in america there's no denying that barack obama has been a failed president. [laughter] as terrible as president obama has been, his cabinet appointments have been worse. i mean, transportation secretary ray lahood? why? because his name's got a car part in it? that's a low standard. [ laughter ] what is next? secretary of the treasury penny mcnickel? now he wants the new defense secretary to be former republican senator chuck hagel. thankfully, today 15 republican senators demanded the withdrawal of hagel's nomination and it's no wonder. senate republicans have found all sorts of shady associations in hagel's past. for instance, he was once a senate republican. [laughter] and now, according to conservative news anger-gregator breitbart.com, hagel may have taken money from an organization called "friends of hamas." friends of hamas! that's serious! being friends with a muslim terrorist is a big commitment. you've got to be a groomsman in all four of their weddings. i mean, the suicide vest rentals alone! [laughter] folks, this bombshell lit up the conserv-osp
, it was presented by michelle obama followed by a piefl wrinkled laundry. [cheers and applause] [laughter] oh, and did mrs. obama give it to the most american movie "zero dark thirty"? no. wouldn't want to hon yort movie that killed bin land. her husband has to get all the credit for that. [ laughter ] we all know hollywood doesn't reward torture films because if they did, the winner would have been "battleship." no, no, last night the oscar goes to -- >> argo, congratulations. [cheers and applause] [laughter] >> stephen: big surprise, hollywood honors the film where hollywood is the hero. [laughter] and, folks, to have the first lady that is just big government out of control. [ laughter ] now the private sector can't even broadcast its own congrat latoury stroke fest without government intervengs. what is next: how much with win phoenix can eat during the ceremony? a ramp for jennifer lawrence? [laughter] this is just beginning. next summer the movie will be harry reid driving the speed limit. wreck it ravel was robbed. it's been two months since the shooting at sandy hook but the media w
. >> president obama believes the government is the solution, more government. >> big government. >> big government. >> big government. >> this is the most progovernment speech since lyndon johnson. >> stephen: yes, i find it offensive that the head of our government would give a speech to everyone else in the government that was so pro-government. [ laughter ] not to mention, the president immediately declared war on the private sector. >> tonight, let's declare that in the wealthiest nation on earth, no one who works full time should have to live in poverty and raise the federal minimum wage to $9 an hour. >> >> stephen: $9? that is almost two feet of sandwich. where does it end? where did it end? a living wage spoils the working man. just ask c.e.o. and fox news resident smeagol robert luddy. jim? >> i worked for $85 cents an hour when i was in high school and i was happy to have that job. >> stephen: that's what i'm talking. america has gone soft. if everyone is living the fantasy life of cold and heat they'll have no drive. it's that suffering that lifts people up to start their own
tonight barack-hussein obama gets to give his annual "look at me, i'm the president" speech. lop-a-doopa doo! lop-a-doopa doo! [laughter] all this stuff? it's not even in the constitution. [laughter] obama shouldn't even be up there givinging the speech. 2012 was supposed to be the gop's year: with the economy in shambles, they thought the race was theirs to lose. and they were right. [laughter] and it's not just the presidency. the republicans also lost seats in the senate. lost the popular vote in the house. and briefly lost paul ryan in the mall. [laughter] he was supposed to hold on to his mother's hand! [laughter] they found him busting a union at the build-a-bear workshop. [laughter] but folks, the rnc, the republican national committee, is doing something about it. >> the rnc is doing a major autopsy on 2012. >> the rnc is coming up with some type of autopsy of the last election. >> you've got to do a full autopsy. >> stephen: yes, a full autopsy. which is also the republican alternative to obamacare. [laughter] to plot their path back to power, the gop recently held a thr
gitmo closed, including president obama, despite all logic, it remains open for business. it's the radio shack of the war on terror. [laughter] if you follow the news closely, you are probably unaware that gitmo is currently hosting the trial of 9-11 mastermind khalid sheik mohammed. for godsake, khalid, you're appearing in court-- comb your shoulders! [laughter] now one reason you may not have heard about it is that not the easiest trial to cover. first, because it's not really a trial. it's a one-of-a-kind military tribunal designed by president bush, implemented by president obama, and inspired by president kafka. [laughter] see, reporters are not allowed in the courtroom. they have to watch the trial from behind soundproofed glass and hear the proceedings on a 40-second delay. and to protect national security, the judge or a security officer in the courtroom can hit a mute button which shuts off the audio to the reporters and indicates this by making a red light on the judge's bench spin. the red light also indicates that all dress shirts and men's slacks are 20% off. but on january
't stopped president obama from piling on, telling the new republic, "if i had a son, i'd have to think long and hard before i let him play football." oh, really, sir? well football doesn't want your imagery son because he throws like an imagery girl. [ laughter ] sadly, the spectre of childhood brain damage threatens the future of football. so clearly, we have to immediately address this crisis by talking about something else. this is "the sport report." [cheers and applause] [humming] [laughter] folks, i'm no fan but soccer is europe's most popular sport, right behind competitive three-ways. [laughter] incredible ball handling. [laughter] but now there's a dark cloud on soccer's horizon. >> hundreds of international soccer matches may have been fixed. >> we're talking world cup qualifiers, european championships qualifiers. these tournaments don't come any bigger and more prestigious than this. >> we're talking about 680 suspicious games involving 425 match officials, club officials, players, known criminals from some 15 countries around the world. i mean this is absolutely massive. >> ste
with anything president obama said on that issue. >> stephen: yes, we conservatives all think gays should have equal rights, and we've been saying it since the beginning of this sentence! [ laughter ] clearly, the lgbt agenda is barreling forward at full speed. at this rate, i may even have to learn what the last two letters of lgbt mean. [ laughter ] i wanna say-- bacon and tomato? [ laughter ] god knows what they're doing with them. [ laughter ] luckily, one brave soul is holding back this rising gay tide like a one-man dike. [ laughter ] i mean -- i mean -- i mean -- no, no, -- i mean, with hordes of gays coming, he's beating them off. no, no,. i mean -- i mean -- i mean, it brings us to tonight's word: it gets worse. [cheers and applause] folks, the supreme court is about to hear arguments about the constitutionality of "the defense of marriage act" or doma, which defines marriage as between one man and one woman. the act was signed into law in 1996 by bill clinton-- a man who understands being defensive about your marriage. [ laughter ] now, barack obama's justice department decided not
] and in the obama economy of 2013, the wildest dream is any entry-level job. how does it work? >> each week, five exceptional candidates will come to new york city for the biggest interview of their lives for a chance to land a dream job at one of america's finest companies. >> stephen: you heard them-- a dream job, like an editorial assistant position with "cosmopolitan." [laughter] that's right, "the" an editorial assistant. [laughter] this pioneering form of desper-tainment is sure to be such a hit, other networks are sure to have spinoffs, like "meal or no meal," [laughter] "americans, idle," and "are you more employable than a fifth grader?" [laughter] so congratulations, cbs, for bravely turning america's unemployment problem into america's entertainment solution. and with one hire per show, "the job" should run for 12.3 million episodes. whraf laugh whraf laugh we'll be right back. free credis redesigned site has this new score planner tool with these cool sliders. this one lets us know what happens if we miss a payment. oh. this one lets us know what happens if we use less credit. yeah. w
a winning candidate is the state senate. just two years before barack obama announced his presidential run, he was a lowly state senator. making state legislatures are the farm teams of american politics, which brings me to another installment of our sometimes-running series: "mr. smith goes to the state legislature, then later, possibly washington." [laughter] first up, tonight tennessee state senator and lost weasley brother, stacey campfield. [laughter] i first noticed campfield when he demonstrated his knowledge of immunology by declaring that aids was caused by one guy screwing a monkey, if i recall correctly, and then having sex with men. it was an airline pilot if i recall. [laughter] [cheers and applause] yes, and if i recall, it was shortly after that that airlines stopped serving free cocktails to monkeys in first class. pilots couldn't resist. [laughter] i've long-admired campfield's heroic work protecting our students' morals with his "don't say gay" bill-- which proposed banning teachers from discussing homosexuality in school. yes, if you don't talk about something, it goes a
Search Results 0 to 49 of about 53 (some duplicates have been removed)